A scary story

Son: tell me a scary story.

Me: Ok, (in a scary voice.) Once upon a time there was a body who lived in the dark woods and he had a skeleton,,,it was in his body!

Son: so, everyone's is.

Me: yes. But his was made of,,,bones!

Son: so, everyone's is.

Me: yes, but his grew as he got older, then he went to,,,,,college!

Son: this is less scary then your other scary story.

Me: which one? The one about the guy who got the loan with the 0.4 percent interest and didn't read the fine print and found out after a year it jumps to 20 percent?

Son: I don't even know what your talking about?

Me: I know you don't yet. But some day you will and mark my words beware of high balloon payments.

My Favorite Episode

Son:(while dressed as wolverine.) I like the blues clues where they see when they were babies on TV.

Me: my favorite one is the episode when Blue bites Joe and then the police come and have to kill Blue because she won't stop biting people.

Son: (grabbing a handful of cheetos and eating some.) I think that's a show of Diego.

Me: you're probably right.

How did Superman get his powers?

My son asked me why Superman is so strong.

I said its because he eats lots of different foods like tacos.

That day we were eating tacos for dinner and he refused to try one and that was the best thing i could think of to get him to eat.

Now he thinks that Superman can fly, be bullet proof and have laser beams shoot out of his eyes from eating tacos.

Yet he still wont try tacos.

TACO UPDATE.

A year later he only wants to eat tacos and has made several references to being a taco superhero.

not sure if I created a potential monster.

Sliced it off.

My son knocked on the bathroom door frantically saying he had to go potty. I opened the door to let him in and he wasn't there. I found him playing in his room.

Me: Bathrooms free.

Son: I don't have to go.

Me: Did you go in your pants?

Son: (almost hurt) no.

Me: But you knocked saying you had to go.

Son: i had to go potty.  But i accidentally sliced it off.

Me. Oh ok. (I started walking away.) Sliced what off?

Son. It.

Me. Whats it? What did you slice off.

Son. I had to go potty and it came out and i sliced off the poop.

Me: With what?

Son: (shrugging his shoulders.) I dont know.

Me: OK? Where is it?

Son: In my pants

Drinking poop-pee.

A Story from my Brother, while talking to his son.

Jonah: what's this I'm drinking? Is it Poop-Pee?

Me: it's lemonade

Jonah: Nuh-uh, it's Poop-Pee!

Mommies a bear.

While watching Brave, after the mom gets turned back to a human, my son asked, "Now she wont be a bear anymore, right?"

"Well, she'll still be one once a month. "

Whats in a name?

The hardest part of writing for me is the names or titles in anything that I write. When I was younger and had to write a story for school the only names I could think of belong to my friends. It was a phobia I had or something.

The love note

i traced a note a coworker wrote at work, originally it was about forgetting to change his schedule.

Realizing you're a parent.

You realize you're a parent when you're in your car and you open your johnny cash cd only to find instead of the cd you wanted a cd of 102 kids songs featuring wheels on the bus.

Argh

Argh!!!!!

Quote to co worker

Quote to co worker.

I've only known two Pam's .

I approach a coworker the other day whose name is Pam.

I said, "Did you know that I've only worked with two Pams in my life?"

To which she responded "oh yeah."

I said, "yeah one was mean spiteful, not a good person, terrible, a bad employee, there is nothing nice I could say about that Pam. "

This made Pam laugh. Then I said " the other Pam was one of my bosses in Spokane."

And walked away hoping that she would get the punchline that I was talking about her .

I waited a few seconds for her to laugh. she did not. So i asked her to think about what I said, considering we don't work or live near Spokane.

She did. Then she hit me.

The stinky sticker. What a shocker!

The other day at work i altered a sticker. Then put it on a coworkers car. He drove around for 2 days and went to two job interview without finding it.

A bedtime story. (Banned from Facebook)

This actually got banned from facebook and got my account suspended.

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom far far away, Lived a magical princess named Kendall.

She didn't like to shower and one day Prince Zack Effron showed up and asked her to get married.

She said yes and the next day, before their wedding Prince Zack Effron smelled princess Kendall's breath and called off the wedding.

Then the next day Prince One Direction showed up and asked princess Kendall to get married. She said yes.

Then at the ceremony they smelled her armpits and didnt want to get married.

The End.

Who built that?

While driving through town with  coworker. We passed a older church.

Coworker: i wonder who built that church?

Me: i actually read a book about old buildings in town.

Coworker: oh yeah?

Me: yep. I was at the dentist and really bored. The book said it was paid for partially by the klan. Then when it was done they weren't allowed to meet there.

Coworker: which clan.  the wutang clan?

Me: yes, the wutang clan. ODB himself was here a hundred years ago swinging a hammer.

Chicken pox.

While watching mickey mouse club house with my step son.

The character of Pete had chicken pox and was told the only cure was to dance it off.

My step son asked "Is that really what happens with chicken pox?"

"No. What happens most of the time is you get tired and can't go to school."

"oh."

"When you're an adult and get it you can become sterile or even die."

"Die?"

"Yep. Although a lot of people would probably like to be sterile for free."

Happy birthday

30 years ago my life was forever changed by the addition of a little guy in my life. I have very fond childhood memories of hour of playing with him. Even now, i don't see him very much but i still hold him highly. That Optimus Prime toy i got 30 years ago was one of my favorite toys.

Oh and then a year later my little brother Paul was born.

Happy birthday!

Pride

Pride is one of the things that made this country great. When you sign a document, write it big and proud like the all the presidents do. Whenever you see them signing it always giant a Ben franklin, Douglas Adams, Herbie Hancock, George Jefferson and John Q Nixon.

Golden turd

Quote of the day.

You can paint a turd gold. But its still a turd.

Do you think its cool?

To a coworker.

Do you think you're cool?

Do you like smoking tabacco?

Do you think its cool to smoke marijuana like a cigerette?

Huh?

Do you think its cool to smoke alchohal?