What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Who gives a rats ass? Just do what you feel like until you're happy."

"Just do it before you're thirty or have kids."

Learning to drive. (10)

My oldest nice talking about drivers ed.

"Here's what you do. Go and take the drivers ed. I know its stupid , but think of all the jerk drivers out there. Every single one of them driving around worse then you've ever seen."

"But when someone tells you you're a bad driver or yells at you while driving  you can show them your drivers ed diploma and they'll know that those weeks you wasted in a stupid class was worth it."

Her response."Why would I be a bad driver?"

"Two reasons. I've seen how terrible you drive at theme parks on those tracks and that you suck ."

After a short pause.

"And you smell."

Being called a name. (7)

My response to my oldest niece when she was upset because she was called a turd.

"I've been called a turd before and much worse. the thing to remember is that you're the peanut in that turd."

Of course it was me that called her a turd.

Hidden stashes (6)

While looking at shoes with a friend and her teenage sons.

I pointed out a skate shoe called stash (hidden pocket). its a shoe were you can hide things in it.

Her 15 year old son looked at the shoe and said " I could hide food in there. mom you'd probably wonder why the dog always smell my shoes"

me, "food? drugs, hide drugs."

She thanked me sarcastically for the advice.

What are toots? (4)

My middle niece: What are toots?

Me: toots are just poops saying hello.

Why is it raining: the un-edited version.

While babysitting my oldest neice .

My niece: can i go outside?

Me: no its raining.

My niece: why?

Me: because you made God mad by not cleaning your room when your parents asked you to and now he's crying because you let him down.

My brother: (screaming) NO! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!

Why is it raining. (3)

While babysitting my oldest neice.

My niece: can i go outside?

Me: no its raining.

My niece: why?

Me: because you made someone in the sky mad by not cleaning your room when your parents asked you to.

Advice on smoking. (1)

(Told to my niece a few months ago)

I better not ever catch you smoking.

It's unhealthy and not good for you...but if I do catch you smoking it better be Marlboro's. Because we aren't a Camel cigarette family.