To my oldest niece on Christmas when she was asked to hand her mom her pocket knife so she could open a gift.
The proper way to hand somebody a knife is blade first and open. Do it quickly so they dont drop it.
Infact you should just open it and throw it so she can clearly see the blade coming at her.
While discussing the hobbit movies with a friends teenage son.
Me: have you ever read the book?.
Kid: no.
Me: really? I had to read it several times in school by your age.
Kid: well i was supposed to read it. But i read the first chapter and the last and skimmed the middle.
Me: thats genius! You get the gist of it without having to read it. (pause) all i had were cliff notes.
Kid: what are cliff notes?
Me: they break down the book you're reading to make it easier. All you have to do is rewrite it in your own words and its easy.
Kid: seems easy.
Me: It is. You should start using them to cheat.
"Who gives a rats ass? Just do what you feel like until you're happy."
"Just do it before you're thirty or have kids."
My oldest nice talking about drivers ed.
"Here's what you do. Go and take the drivers ed. I know its stupid , but think of all the jerk drivers out there. Every single one of them driving around worse then you've ever seen."
"But when someone tells you you're a bad driver or yells at you while driving you can show them your drivers ed diploma and they'll know that those weeks you wasted in a stupid class was worth it."
Her response."Why would I be a bad driver?"
"Two reasons. I've seen how terrible you drive at theme parks on those tracks and that you suck ."
After a short pause.
"And you smell."
My response to my oldest niece when she was upset because she was called a turd.
"I've been called a turd before and much worse. the thing to remember is that you're the peanut in that turd."
Of course it was me that called her a turd.
While looking at shoes with a friend and her teenage sons.
I pointed out a skate shoe called stash (hidden pocket). its a shoe were you can hide things in it.
Her 15 year old son looked at the shoe and said " I could hide food in there. mom you'd probably wonder why the dog always smell my shoes"
me, "food? drugs, hide drugs."
She thanked me sarcastically for the advice.
While babysitting my oldest neice .
My niece: can i go outside?
Me: no its raining.
My niece: why?
Me: because you made God mad by not cleaning your room when your parents asked you to and now he's crying because you let him down.
My brother: (screaming) NO! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
While babysitting my oldest neice.
My niece: can i go outside?
Me: no its raining.
My niece: why?
Me: because you made someone in the sky mad by not cleaning your room when your parents asked you to.
(Told to my niece a few months ago)
I better not ever catch you smoking.
It's unhealthy and not good for you...but if I do catch you smoking it better be Marlboro's. Because we aren't a Camel cigarette family.
